Sara Andersen is a trained sexologist, couples therapy student and permanent writer at Klub Venus. You can follow Sara on Instagram: @saraandersennn
The showdown with penetration sex
For many, "real sex" is understood as penetration sex. We learn that we only lose our virginity when there is a penis inside a vagina, but this is a misunderstood perception. You can often forget that there are many ways to have sex, and for many, penetration sex is not always what their body is hungry for.
It's really difficult when in mainstream porn you are mostly presented with penetration sex, where the woman howls along with a choir of angels about being penetrated by a penis. It creates a narrative for all genders that diminishes our sexual repertoire, and many may feel completely wrong because they do not achieve total pleasure or orgasm from penetration sex.
Sex is so much more than penis-in-vagina and it can be a fantastic experience for all people, exploring pleasure, desire and touch
Many also stall in their sex lives if they only have penetrative sex (it's part of the heterosexual script). The sex drive can drop when you don't explore your fantasies or you can lack the tantalizing "ohh, I just have to have you now" feeling. Fortunately, you can find it again by taking your sex partner by the hand and putting on your curious glasses. It doesn't require you to set aside several hours, but if you have 15-20 minutes where you might have had a quick round of penetration sex, you can exchange it for these other types of delicious sex that can spice up your sex life :
Hand sex
Many can forget what the touch of hands can really do. If you have an oil, I can recommend finding it and giving each other an intimate massage; touching each other gently and teasingly on the body, genitals and perhaps the anus. It doesn't have to end in penetration sex. Give each other a nice and lovely touch, just with your hands. When you can really feel a patient and lovely massage, where you tell each other what feels good, there is great potential for the body to feel rewarded and valuable. You can either do it to each other, or look at each other while touching yourself.
Oral sex
Instead of perhaps only being a small part of the sex act, you can stick to a nice round of oral sex, and take your time for it. You can take turns pampering each other, or do a 69 (either one on top, or both lying on their sides). If you want to spice it up a bit, you can each take a small ice cube in your mouth in the meantime. For many, the cooling effect will seem extra sensitive and irritating. A varying pace and a helping hand (literally) can also be a playful element. Also a quick round of cunnilingus or blowjob can be wildly naughty!
Sex toys
Sex toys are more than welcome in bed when exploring pleasure. There is a sea of different sex toys that suit your desires and your body.
You can, for example, start out with a vibrator that you use on each other. Finally, use it on the whole body, and slowly move down to where it feels extra nice. Feel free to help your partner control their hand and feel the delicious vibrations.
If you are safe with each other, it can also be cheeky with blindfolds, or perhaps being tied up by your partner while they pamper you. In this way, it creates a greater connection to your body, as you sharpen your other senses.
A butt plug can also be exciting to explore with. If you, or your partner, can feel an interest in a little anal play, it might be an idea to play with a buttplug. Remember lots of nice warm-ups, lube and go to work quietly. It must be nice and safe <3 You can read our guide on how to use a buttplug if you need tips and tricks.
Listen to audio porn together
To go on a sexy adventure together, it might also be an idea to listen to some audio porn while you touch yourselves or each other. Close your eyes and feel the trembling sensations and touches. Listening to porn can be a delicious way to relax and go with the flow. We have made a guide to the best erotic podcasts .
If you can feel that you want to develop your sex life, but perhaps don't quite know how to say it to your partner, here are some phrases you can start the conversation with:
"I read this guide on Klub Venus' insta, which mentions all sorts of ways to have sex that aren't exactly penetration sex. I'd really like to explore with you and explore what we like, and really spoil each other's bodies. Maybe with a nice intimate massage if we both feel like it later?"
"I'm starting to open my horizons to what sex can actually be, as it's dawned on me that sex can be SO many nice things! - and I really really want us to try different things together, where it touch and pleasure are the focus. What do you think about that?"
"I can feel that I really want us to try some new exciting things together and I want to be curious with you when we have sex. I'm a little nervous about what you think about it, but I can feel that is something that I really feel could be naughty and nice. Would you like to go exploring with me too?"
An extra tip to spice it up a bit
A really nice move is also to touch each other's bodies or minds in small ways. It can be, for example, a cute/sexy text message, a little touch here and there, a nice kiss (both small on the whole body/face or a nice kiss on the mouth), deep eye contact and saying out loud what turns you on about the other person person. It's a nice way to take the lust out of the bedroom and show the other person that you really think they're top dollar <3
