Becoming parents is life-changing - life is given a new focus, new meaning and new perspectives <3 Parenthood is full of caring work, unconditional love, conflict, vulnerability, a new valuable relationship, new experiences and a huge responsibility - the responsibility for another life more, beyond your own.
Although the (new) role of parent certainly takes up almost everything, it is still extremely important to remember to prioritize yourself and your own needs. You deserve it, and it only helps make you an (even) better parent.
In the guide, we have collected 10 different parents' recommendations for self-loving actions, which are about everything from alone time, to sex with yourself and others, and about doing things with your children that you care about. For those of you who are parents and need a reminder of; that you (still) deserve to do the things that make you happy and give you energy. Read along.
1. Take your own need for physical contact seriously
Remember to embrace each other and give each other a long hug. You can quickly forget the physical contact with each other, because children are so dependent on it. It has helped my husband and I a lot to connect during a busy period. And then it has given us the small respites, between diapers, breastfeeding and crying, that we need. Doing so has made it easier for us to find intimacy again because we've never completely shelved it. — Mother of two small children
2. Set aside time for love and desire
Make time for love or desire, even if logistics and children's needs take up everything. It gives you more profit = better parents and a happier person!
What has immediately worked best for me and my partner is "password" for when we are ready for a quickie. And then we arrange dates that last a maximum of 2 hours. It can be a walk, drinking a beer in the sunshine or a trip to the cinema. The date is a breathing space and investment in the relationship. The most important thing is that you are together and that it is a manageable amount of time. — Mother of two grown children
3. Plan your sex
Plan your sex. Time does not come naturally, and a lack of energy can make spontaneous sex difficult to motivate. Agree that tonight we have sex.
For my partner and I, we've realized that it's hard to find the energy to have sex if we don't actively plan for it. Some days we agree that when the kids are put to bed, we go to bed early ourselves so we can have sex. If we don't plan it, it often ends up with chores to do or us watching a movie until we're tired and therefore have no energy for sex.
It works really well for us. And even though it may have seemed a little artificial at first, there is also a slightly exciting aspect in knowing that tonight is the night we have to enjoy ourselves. On those days, we like to flirt more during the afternoon. There is of course still room for spontaneity and unplanned sex when it fits in naturally.
4. Protect your interests
Create time and space in everyday life for both your own and your partner's interests. The time I have to myself, I spend on everything from going for a run, to building Lego, drinking a beer with a friend or scrolling on the phone. My girlfriend practices yoga, sews or takes a well-deserved nap. I am sure that those breaks help make me - and we - become better parents. — Father of a small child
5. Choose easy solutions when you need it
Make it easier for yourself if you lack income for the household. Buy cleaning help, ready meals or takeaway and have someone collect once in a while - choose the easy solutions when you can and need it. There are so many choices today, and your profit is the most important thing for you to take care of your children. It requires air in the budget, but even the little things can make a difference.
As a single mother and student, I don't always have the finances for the big solutions, but we often eat ready meals or pizza. It doesn't make a big difference financially, but it makes a lot for my profit, and I know my daughter gets good food in kindergarten. When I can afford it, I buy cleaning help and it's worth every penny. It gives more profit for a long time and I am happy in my home because there is no dirt everywhere. — Mother of a small child
6. Remember your body and your needs
I try (try!) to think about "putting on the life belt before I can save others", for example taking a short nap, remembering to go to the toilet, eating and drinking enough. It is important to remember yourself, your own body and your needs, and to take breaks when you have the opportunity.
My grandmother was ahead of her time. She had "her half hour"; where we had to take care of ourselves (with candy bowl etc.) so she could relax with something nice. "My half an hour" I spend on yoga, with a good book or at the sewing machine. — Mother of a small child and two adult children
7. Do things you want and take your children under your arm
Try to do the things you want to do with your children. I'm a single mom, and if I only had to do kid stuff with my daughter, I'd go crazy. Find a balance - go to a museum that also has a children's section where you can draw. Or bring chalk and a coloring book if you want to drink coffee with your friends at a sidewalk cafe.
And remember to plan alone time. Have your children looked after, while you yourself have nothing else to do but eat your liver dish (the dish your child doesn't like) and lie in bed and recharge. Your children are at their best when you are happy. — Mother of a small child
8. Give yourself (and each other) alone time
Give each other alone time. Take the kids out for a walk and give the other a break. You don't have to do everything together as a family. I am not a good mother when I am with my children constantly. Breathing holes are so incredibly important. — Mother of three grown children
9. Give in to your sexual desires
Remember that you want to be both a sexual being and a mother - this is something I really practice, and I really try to make room for both parts of me, even if I often feel shame.
Through my pregnancies, including my current one, I have experienced an increased sex drive. I could e.g. easily masturbate every single day, but when I do and give in to my desires, I am too often hit with feelings of wrongness - it feels forbidden because I have a baby inside.
I try to break down that shame by talking about it with my partner and with my girlfriends. And even though I haven't gotten over the shame yet, it really helps to talk to someone about it. — Mother of (soon to be) three small children
10. Do the things you did before you became a parent
Through my parenting, I have learned how important it is to maintain (or resume) some of the things/routines that I did/had before I had children. It can be talking on the phone for hours with a friend, watching my favorite series, which reminds me of where I was in life when I didn't have children, sneaking a cigarette on the back steps with a can of beer or coke, masturbating, or take a really long bath.
Keeping those things straight makes me feel like I'm still me and that I'm still important. And reminds me that it is a must that I create space and time for myself. With 2 children, it's not every day that there can be room for that, and maybe there needs to be moderation here and there, but setting aside just a minimum of 10 minutes to feel myself, and create an overview of my body and my mind makes me not feeling like I'm losing myself in my motherhood. I'm a mom and I love it and I'm really good at it. But I am also myself, and it gives me surplus for my children when I give a bit of my surplus to myself every now and then. — Mother of two small children
