Text by Ida Højegaard.
"I don't know what to answer when my partner asks what I like." "I'm afraid of seeming needy if I tell my partner what I want." "I'm afraid my partner won't feel they're doing it well enough if I say I'd like them to do it differently."
There can be lots of reasons why you don't get to talk to your partner(s) about what you like and what you want during sex. For many of us, sex is associated with a lot of thoughts, feelings and expectations. Understandably so, because sex can be SO many things; it can be new, enjoyable, boundary-pushing, intense, intimate, disappointing, vulnerable, fun and (all too) quickly over.
It's completely normal if you don't know how to communicate during sex, or if you find it difficult. Unfortunately, we learn, from movies and from porn, that communication during sex takes place on a metaplane, where we can read each other's thoughts - that we know exactly what to do, and that it is not at all necessary to talk to each other during the act . And that's a lie! The truth is that good sex (often) requires communication and guidance <3
*a loving reminder: When you don't communicate your sexual needs and desires, you risk disregarding and deprioritizing your own pleasure. In this way, you are cheating yourself of the enjoyment you have earned. And you also deserve that your sex partner listens to your wishes and needs. *
We hope that the guide here can be used as inspiration for how you can guide your partner during sex. Or perhaps as a loving nudge, to take (the first) step in communicating your needs, preferences and boundaries when having sex with others. Good communication and mutual openness are KEY to a good sex life. <3
Sex with yourself Having sex with yourself is an important part of exploring your sexuality. And then it can help develop the sex you have with others. >For some people it can be difficult to give feedback because they don't know what feels good to them and how they like to have sex the best. It can make it difficult to explain what you want more or less of. When you have sex with yourself, you get to know your body even better - what feels nice to you and your body <3 And so can be a way to learn more about your limits. A gift you give yourself that you can use when you have sex with others. But just remember; you don't need to know everything about your own body and your own pleasure to be allowed to guide your partner during sex.
Tell when it feels good A good place to start might be to tell your partner(s) when they do something that feels good. Praise them and express your enjoyment. It definitely helps to make them feel even more confident and sexy. And in that way, help to create an honest and loving sexual space that is nice for both of you. “It's so nice when you xx. I love when you xx, or yes, keep it up”
Remember that guidance can be part of a longer conversation about your sexual desires and needs. Tell your partner what you want and ask them what they want.
Talk about sex, even when you're not already banging It's worth it. Maybe you associate talking about sex with something embarrassing or shameful? Or maybe you find it difficult to put your enjoyment on the agenda? When you talk about sex outside the bedroom, you practice making sex an everyday conversation. Sex is neither unnatural nor wrong, but it's totally okay if you feel it's hard to talk about. If you have a strained relationship with sex, or if you find it difficult to feel your sexual needs and desires, it is 100% worth having the conversation when you have peace and time for it, and to have it with someone you feel comfortable with by. You can definitely remove some of that shame, or get answers to some of the questions you (maybe) have in the bedroom, if you talk about your sex life outside the bedroom. If you can bang together, you can also talk together <3
Friends, let's talk about sex Another thing that might make you feel more comfortable talking about sex is talking about it with someone you don't have sex with. Maybe you have a friend who talks openly about their one-night stands? A sex-positive grandmother? Or maybe you once got a vibrator as a gift from your aunt? With them you can definitely air your thoughts and questions. If they are not in your social circle, then be the friend who puts ✨sex ✨on the agenda. Maybe the person you're talking to also has something they'd like to share with you - yes, maybe it actually helps to strengthen your relationship.
What about my one night stand? We know that it is not necessarily all sex partners you have with whom you can talk about sex, pleasure and preferences over dinner. Maybe you don't know each other. Maybe this is the first and only time you intend to have sex. Or maybe you, for other reasons, are not interested in having the big sexy talk. When you have sex with someone new or with a one-time fling, it is still important that it is an enjoyable experience for you. Ask yourself; Why am I having sex with this person? Hopefully to satisfy your own sexual pleasure, to be intimate in a nice way with another human being - For your own sake! Once that's in place, you might imagine the endless possibilities for guiding and communicating your needs to your (new) partner. If not, read on. "Use" your partner-of-the-night to give it gas with guidance, and to really practice your soon-to-be-brand-new communication skills. What do you have to lose?
Say it with your body You can also easily use your body to express yourself when you have sex with a partner. You can do this, among other things, by guiding your partner's hand, by sitting/laying down in a new way to signal that you want to change position or by experimenting with power play, and holding your partner's hands. Of course, always remember to pay attention to what your partner is saying with their body. Maybe they are also trying to tell you something <3
Enjoy exploring Guiding each other during sex is also a way for you to get to know your own bodies better. When you dare to say it out loud, if something feels nice or mean, you yourself become more aware of what you like and what you don't. Maybe you don't quite know yet how best to achieve an orgasm with your partner? Or maybe you would just really like to give your partner oral sex just the way they like it best? Use each other, ask, guide and explore each other's bodies. Maybe you will discover something completely new.
Be honest and caring Some people are afraid to guide their partner during sex because they are worried about hurting their partner or 'ruining the mood.' But honestly, what mood is it you're afraid of killing if you're lying there yourself and you're not in the mood'? If you know exactly what it takes to give you pure pleasure, be honest and specific. Tell your partner what you want more or less of and how you want it. This makes it easier for your partner to give you the pleasure they (hopefully) dream of seeing you in. Think about how you yourself like to be guided and asked. For most people, it is easier to relate to some concrete possibilities. Ask "would you mind if I xx?" rather than "what would you like?" Say it in a caring way that is not critical or belittling. That you guide your partner is neither evil nor a criticism of them as a person. That it will be nice for both/all of you is only something that makes the atmosphere even better! “It hurts. Do you want to try to make it a little softer?”
Be patient and try your best. When you start guiding your partner during sex, you also create a space for them to guide you. And it's amazing! Guiding each other during sex can take time and requires patience from both parties. It may take time to find out what works best for you. Maybe it's something completely different that works when you have sex with yourself or with someone else. Don't expect either yourself or your partner to know exactly what to do right away. And think how delicious it will be when you have really trained <3
