We do it all the time. Set boundaries.
Saying no to going out on Friday night when you don't feel like it. Extending your hand when someone is about to hug you. Requiring you to use protection during sex. To express what you want. To turn off your phone when you need to go offline. To reject unwanted sexual requests. Or asking for time to think about a decision before making it.
Boundaries are necessary in all relationships between people. During our lives we will cross boundaries, expand them, we will set them and forget them, we will get to know them better, and occasionally discover that they have changed.
For many, setting boundaries is difficult. And especially when the boundaries have to be set in connection with sex.
The guide here will introduce you to boundary setting. What does it mean to set boundaries? What might boundary setting sex look like? And how does setting boundaries relate to expressing one's needs and getting more sexual pleasure?
The art of setting boundaries
Setting boundaries in relation to sex (with others) is about establishing and communicating your personal boundaries and preferences to your partner(s). It's about getting in touch with the part of yourself that knows what you want (and asks for it) and knows what you don't want (and sets limits).
For many, setting boundaries can in itself feel transgressive and difficult. Fortunately, there are ways you can get closer to what your limits are and ways to strengthen your ability to set limits.
1. Reflect on your pleasure and your limits: Ask yourself what you really enjoy and feel comfortable with in intimate situations. What makes you happy, relaxed and fulfills your needs? And what makes you uncomfortable or insecure? Maybe you should get a pen and paper going, or set aside time for sex with yourself, where you can explore <3 How does my body react when I do x? How does it feel to say x?
2. Practice saying no: Practice makes perfect. Practice saying no to unwanted hugs, or to food that you would only eat to be polite. In front of your partner(s), you can practice saying when you want to hug but not kiss, or tell in advance what you want/don't want before you have sex. When you're ready, you can try it on when you have sex <3
3. Put your partner(s) boundaries on the agenda: Ask them what they like or what they want more or less of. Maybe you discover that they don't find it easy to communicate their boundaries either, and that you can therefore, with good reason, have a talk about what makes it difficult <3 Or maybe hearing them express their boundaries and preferences, enough to make you realize that setting boundaries is perfectly normal, and actually often means you have better sex.
4. Tell when something feels good: a good place to start might be to tell your partner(s) when they do something that feels nice. Praise them and express your enjoyment. In this way, you help to create an honest and loving sexual space where there is room for feedback, and thus also to set boundaries with each other when necessary.
5. Check your understanding of boundary setting: If I propose sex, it commits. If I set a limit, it cannot be changed. Talking about boundaries and preferences ruins the mood. Our perception of boundaries is muddied with prejudices and harmful notions of what sex should look like. Therefore, it may be a good idea to check in with yourself, and with your perception of what it means to set limits.
Spoiler alert: When you set a limit, you take your own sexual pleasure seriously and take care of yourself and your partner(s) <3 Is there really anything sexier than that?
Why is boundary setting so important?
Perhaps you associate setting boundaries around sex with being snarky, unavailable, too sensitive or boring. Unfortunately, we have been taught by sexual scripts and in mainstream porn that sex is a limitless dimension, free from rejection and limit setting and that our desire should be constant and uncomplicated. It has given us an unrealistic understanding of what sex looks like that can be harmful to our sexual health and self-esteem.
When we understand how important it is to set boundaries - and we are able to set them - it has a direct impact on our sexual self-esteem. Setting boundaries means that you get in touch with your own needs and that you respect them. When you listen to yourself and your limits, you confirm to yourself that you are important and valuable. That you are important enough to demand something and that you deserve to feel good. <3
Ethical porn does away with what mainstream porn has so far offered its viewers. Read our guide to Ethical porn here.
