The text is written by Lærke Christine.
None of my friends were queer. I can still remember the weird face on my girlfriends when I told them that I had never given my boyfriend a blowjob. They did almost nothing else. But I didn't want to. In fact, I didn't want to have sex with my boyfriend at all. The thought of having sex with him made me physically sick to my stomach without quite understanding why.
Sex was, for me, something that had to be part of my relationship because society had told me so - Something that had to be overcome. I often looked at him, with a lump the size of Jupiter in my stomach, and thought about my future with him. A future I didn't want. At least not with him. Everyone said we were a beautiful couple and that we would have beautiful children. I probably always dreamed of something else. I was ashamed for a long time, and felt alone with my thoughts. The thought of having sex with a woman crossed my mind often, but I always dismissed it. Because could there be two princesses in one tale?
Since I was very young, I was sure that it was me who was wrong. I had no desire for sex and I had chills on my body every time my boyfriend and I turned off the light to go to bed at night. Because what if we were to have sex? The thought was almost unfathomable. I went into myself. My thoughts flew elsewhere. In the end, we didn't have sex at all - and I could see that it was taking a toll on him, and on our relationship. Still, I was oblivious to my own desires and how my body pulled away from him. Unaware of the fact that I loved him as a person and that I wanted him in my life forever. I just didn't want to have sex with him.
I felt sorry for him for a long time. Because he didn't know how everything in my body screamed that something was wrong when we had sex, and he couldn't change anything. He never did anything wrong, and I didn't dare say anything to him or anyone else. I thought maybe it was just the way it was meant to be. That good, loving sex and fireworks between men and women was something someone had once invented
I ended up leaving him, breaking both of our hearts. I walked around in a bubble of confusion about my sexuality for a long time, trying to push it away. I slept with different men, but it never felt quite right. There was always something wrong inside me.
Until I met her. I was leaving a bar when I struck up a conversation with her. The conversation flowed so easily and I forgot about everyone around me. It was something new. It was 3 in the morning and I had to go to work the next day. Still, when she asked if we should have dinner together, I said yes. We ended up sitting at Burger King for several hours. And the spark that was between us was completely different from what I had experienced before. I wanted more. I was sucked into her presence and I knew even then that our evening was not over. She asked if I wanted to come home and sleep with her. It gave a set of nervousness in my body and I had no idea if I was ready or if I even dared, but I couldn't help it. So I said yes.
The moment she put me in her bed and my whole body was shaking with desire, it all dawned on me. All of a sudden, nothing was scary anymore, and it was as if my body was letting go. The feeling everyone had talked about so much was suddenly a feeling I had. The planet in my stomach disappeared the second we kissed and it has never returned. The way she touched me was so nice and calm. I felt completely safe there.
To this day I am light as a feather. I have come out to my family and friends and I have come to terms with my sexuality. Something that took many years and many different relationships with men. There was never anything wrong with me, or with my partners. We just weren't right for each other. You should always follow your gut and do what makes you happy and whole.
Sexual desire can be many things, and nothing is wrong. And if there's anything I've learned, it's that there can be anything between heaven and earth in a story. Because everyone creates their own, and you don't have to follow what society has created.
