If you are into domination, surrender, ropes, pain and role play, here you will get a BDSM guide on how to get started exploring your kinks in a cheeky and safe way.
What is BDSM?
BDSM sex is an overall term for several different fetishes and kinks. Under the BDSM umbrella you will find, among other things, the play of tying or being tied with rope, the play of the psychic role-play between dominating and submitting, and you find the play of inflicting and receiving pain.
All branches of BDSM can range from completely gentle to extremely hard. How wild it should be depends on what you and your partner are up to. Regardless of which end of the scale you are at, there is plenty of opportunity to exercise, explore and expand your kinks and limits almost endlessly. But first things first: Here you get a guide on how to get started with BDSM sex.
What does BDSM stand for?
B stands for bondage and is the game with rope, where you either allow yourself to be bound by your partner - or are the one who binds your partner. It is a game between the dominant, who is in control, and the submissive, who submits. Bondage can vary from fixing the hands with cuffs or ropes, to tying the whole body in advanced binding techniques. You can read more about bondage and get sex tips in our guide to bondage .
Within bondage there is also the very aesthetic bondage technique ' shibari ', which is an ancient technique originally used by samurai to fix and transport prisoners of war. Today it is a technique used by many in a sexual context, but also as a form of meditative practice, where rope is used to highlight the shapes of the body and is considered a work of art.
D stands for dominance , where you play with submission vs. to be in control. It is a psychological role-playing game, where there is a 'dominant' who controls the course of the battle and has control over what must happen and what the partner must do/be exposed to.
The 'submissive' is the one who surrenders and submits to the dominant. It can range from gentle dominance, where the submissive is handcuffed during sex, to slapping, whipping, humiliation and role playing.
S stands for sadism and is about the pleasure of inflicting or seeing one's partner inflicted with pain - either physical or psychological. This can be, for example, by slapping, whipping, nipple clamps or more extreme games with pain and humiliation.
M stands for masochism and is the opposite of sadism. If you are into masochism, you experience pleasure and are turned on by the infliction of pain, humiliation and submission. Again, as with everything in BDSM sex, it can range from the very gentle to the more extreme form of masochism.
Regardless of which of the four fetishes appeals to you the most, it's all about figuring out where you and your partner fall on the scale—which leads to the next point.
How do I get started with BDSM?
F stands for matching expectations and is not one of the four letters in the abbreviation BDSM. But F is an important part of the game regardless of which kink you are going to explore with your partner. Because even if it is not necessarily sexy, the good talk about expectations, limits and wishes is the basis for how good and sexy your experience will be.
Even if you know each other well, and may have been sex partners for ages, it is always good to have a conversation about:
- Which kink/fetish do you want to explore?
- Who plays what role?
- What would you like to get out of the experience?
- What turns you on?
- What would you like to try?
- Where are your limits?
Set aside plenty of time for a chat. It is often a process that can take a long time, and which you have to talk about over a long period of time before you feel ready. Take it at your own pace.
You stand for inspiration . Regardless of whether you are completely new or seasoned in BDSM, you can always find sex tips and good sex ideas by watching inspiring films within the BDSM category you want to explore, reading BDSM short stories or searching online forums for exactly your kink and fetish.
What equipment do I need?
When you have the good talk in place, you can decide on the next step - what would you like to use to explore your kink?
Equipment for domination, sadism and masochism is not necessarily a must. Especially not if you start at the gentle end. Here, a role-play (either physical or psychological), gentle slapping with the hand, nibbling and squeezing of nipples or costumes to make your play more realistic, can be enough for a start. You can then add more equipment depending on which direction you would like to explore more closely.
Equipment for bondage
If you want to explore bondage, it is a good idea to have some equipment ready. The equipment depends on what turns you on and how gently you want to start. The most used equipment for bondage is:
- Blindfold to blindfold the submissive
- Collar to fix and drag the submissive around with
- Rope made for bondage bindings and knots
- Gag-ball to get into the mouth of the submissive so that it is not possible to speak
- Handcuffs (aka cuffs and cuffs) to fix hands and/or ankles for e.g. a bed
6 Tips for those who want to start BDSM
When you dive into exploring this part of the sexual universe, make sure it's with a partner you know well, feel comfortable with, and can be completely honest with. There will be a lot of non-verbal communication in role play and in play with pain and dominance, and therefore it requires that you know each other and each other's signals quite well.
In addition, there are some points that are good to turn before:
- Start with a talk about what turns you on about BDSM
- What roles should each of you have?
- Seek inspiration either online or by talking to others who have experience
- Create your own BDSM guidelines with an agreement on how you would like it to proceed (see also the section below with safety advice)
- Regardless of whether there are two or more of you in the game, make sure that everyone is completely on board with what is going to happen and wants to be involved
- Start carefully and give yourself plenty of time to feel and talk about what turns you on and what you would like more or less of
7 good tips for safety when experimenting with bondage
Safety is sexy! And when you throw yourself into the game of tying, safety is also super necessary. Here are 7 good tips for safe play with bondage:
1. Ask - You have discussed expectations, limits, guidelines etc. before you started - but remember to also ask your partner during sex. Especially the one who is bound can be overwhelmed by strong emotions.
2. Talk - Talk together about your experience after the intoxication has worn off. Bondage and BDSM can trigger strong, deep and fantastic feelings, which should be discussed after the session no matter what. This is also where you learn about each other and what was good/not so good.
3. 'Lemon' - ...or another word that you can use as a safe word. Have a pre-agreed word that acts as the ultimate big red stop button if one of you wants the game to stop.
4. Remember the scissors - If there is bondage rope or tape in your play, always have a pair of scissors nearby. If the knot is stubborn, or the submissive wants to free quickly, then the scissors are your rescue.
5. No Raw Ribbon Knots or Yarn - Use only original bondage and shibari knots. They are made for the purpose, and are easy to get out of - even if things have to go fast. Also, only use ropes, cuffs, collars and tapes that are made for bondage.
6. Remember two fingers - This is how much distance there must always be between the material with which the bandage is used and the skin of the person being bandaged. And this also applies to cuffs, ropes and all other materials. If tied tighter than that, it can cause damage to the skin and tissue.
7. Stay away from the neck - Ropes around the neck can be really dangerous and are only for you who are super seasoned in bondage. Instead, use a collar that is made for the purpose. And remember that you must only pull it from the front - NEVER from the back. This way you avoid blocking the airways.
Where can I find others to practice BDSM with?
The Internet is your friend. The Internet is a gold mine when you need to look for inspiration and like-minded sex partners. Search e.g. on:
Online forums for those interested in BDSM - Here you can find inspiration, sex tips, good sex positions, partners and open conversations about exactly your fetish.
KinkClub and ManiFest Fetish Club Copenhagen - Are examples of physical clubs for you who want to meet other BDSM enthusiasts and are both for beginners and experienced. There are similar clubs across the rest of the country.
Scor.dk - A sex dating app where you can search for sex partners who want to explore the same kinks as you.
