It is only you who decides whether you want to define yourself as 'asexual'. There is no fact sheet that tells you which sexuality you have.
It can be difficult to be asexual because society has so much focus on sex and sexuality - and how you 'should' be or feel when you cultivate your sexuality. Yes, in fact, you might say that there is a lot of pressure that you should grow it.
Therefore, you can quickly come to feel wrong if you do not cultivate your sexuality, if you are not interested in having sex, or if you simply do not feel sexually attracted to other people.
Being asexual is just as real as being very sexual and having a high sex drive.
Some need to talk openly about it. Others prefer to keep it to themselves. It is probably also here that it is relevant to ask how important it is in general to have a label attached and define yourself as one or the other.
If you need a definition of your sexuality, it is an option to call yourself asexual if you think you are. Having a clear self-image can give peace of mind. And if it is less important to you, then you do not need to have a definition at all. You can also just be… you.
What does it mean to be asexual?
The word asexual describes a person who is not sexually attracted to others - or who is only slightly sexually attracted to them. If you are asexual, it does not necessarily mean that you do not have sex or have no sexual desire at all. But it means that you don't want to have sex with others.
As an asexual, you can easily have a high sex drive, but you probably satisfy it only by masturbating.
In a nutshell, that is the meaning of the word 'asexual'.
Some asexuals have sex with a partner for other reasons. It may be that they have a desire to have children. Maybe they want to satisfy their partner. Or they want to enjoy the feeling of being physically intimate with another human being, even if they are not sexually attracted to them (you can easily have skin hunger and the urge to touch even if you are asexual).
Can you have a boyfriend when you are asexual?
Yes, you can. Even if you are not sexually attracted to others, you may still be romantically attracted to another human being. And you may also want to hold hands, kiss and be caressed, even if you don't feel like sex.
It is very different how couples, where one is asexual, are intimate together. Some have sex anyway, others live in an open relationship. And then there are also some who choose to be single because it can be easier. But you can easily be romantically inclined, even if you are not sexual.
Do asexuals not have sex at all?
You can have sex even if you are asexual. Sex can still feel like something nice when you are close to another person you care about, even if you have no - or very little - sex drive. It may also be that the idea of sex directly repels you - and then of course you shouldn't have sex. Last but not least, many asexuals have sex with themselves: That is, they masturbate alone.
Is asexuality a sexual orientation?
It depends on who you ask. According to the organization LGBT+ Denmark, there are some who see it as a sexual orientation. In addition to your sexual orientation, you also have a romantic orientation: this is what determines who you are romantically attracted to. Many who live with asexuality let their romantic orientation determine which gender they fall in love with and date.
Do you masturbate when you are asexual?
You can easily want to have solo sex when you are asexual. Masturbation and sexual fantasies are also for you. If you don't have sex with others, it might be great for you to experiment with sex toys to vary your sex life and find out what you like. If you are new to using a vibrator or a dildo, you can find inspiration in our guide “ Which vibrator should I choose? ”.
Signs of asexuality
There are no specific signs you can look for to find out if you are asexual. Don't you want to have sex with others? Then you might be asexual. As I said: There is no definitive list. And only you decide how you want to define your sexuality.
We asked our community to share some of their own experiences with being asexual. You can read them here:
Experiences from 4 asexual people
“I kind of felt like I wasn't asexual enough”
I discovered I was asexual quite late in my life when I was 17 years old. When I talked to my friends and they described sexual attraction, I couldn't understand what they were talking about. I just couldn't relate at all. I then researched online about asexuality and decided after careful consideration that the concept suited me.
When I finally accepted it and identified with being asexual, I still wasn't sure it was the right term for me. I don't experience sex repulsion (when you find sex repulsive, ed.), I masturbate often and I somehow felt I wasn't asexual enough.
But then I found the term 'pro-sex asexual' and then it all made sense.
I haven't told my family as I don't feel like it will affect them, but all my friends have been very supportive. However, it's still clear that they don't get it, which of course I can't blame them. It is difficult. Not many can understand it, and it can create a feeling of isolation.
- Jade, 18 years old
“Finding a word for it was a relief”
I am demisexual myself. For me, this means that I do not experience primary attraction at all. This shows, among other things, that I do not find other people attractive or exciting to look at.
Sometimes I develop an attraction to people when I get to know them. For me it is very rare. Then it's as if over time I start thinking: “Wait! Were they always so fucking delicious?”.
I only got the word for it when I got older. As a teenager and young adult, I was teased for being super snarky and picky, when really it was that any behavior that had sexual undertones made me uncomfortable. It can still do that when I feel that I myself am not allowed to be the one who sets limits. For example by beer bong or party games with kama sutra poses.
I'm a mega sexual and kinky being and I'm very comfortable talking about and describing all aspects of sex, but I can't do casual hookups for example. Not because I don't want to, but because other people basically don't turn me on at all. And they turn me on even less if I learn something about them that I don't like. I can feel like it and think there's a good vibe, and then they say something stupid, and then it's just completely closed from my side, and it's really annoying if you just want to bang. 😂
Finding out I'm demisexual and finding a word for it was a relief, but not a fundamentally changing experience. I'm just who I am, and I've come to terms with it, and that shit has a name. Like the fact that I have known for many years that I am genderqueer to one degree or another, but only learned about the word 'nonbinary' two years ago - and that is actually what I am and have been all along.
- Sarah, 30 years old
“I felt SO seen. I hid in the bathroom and cried and cried and cried”
I am a 43 year old woman and I discovered very late that there was such a thing as 'asexual'.
Since my teenage years I had felt very wrong because I was not interested in boyfriends and sex. There must be something wrong when you're over 30 and a virgin, and the excuse that you're just "waiting for the right one" was a bit worn out.
When I was about 35 years old, I was at my parents' house, where I came across a women's magazine (which I usually don't bother to read because they are always about sex and relationships), and here I read an article about asexuals.
It was an extremely overwhelming experience, because I felt SO seen. I hid in the bathroom and cried and cried and cried. Because that article was about me, and I was neither wrong nor alone.
As soon as I had found my grip again, I took the magazine out to my mother in the kitchen and said: "Look right here, it's me!!".
And she said, "As long as you're happy, I'm happy," and I've never felt anything but acceptance and love from my parents. I spent the rest of the day doing research.
Here, eight years later, I'm still not quite sure what kind of asexual I am. I think I could be a 'grey ace', but haven't been able to put it to the test.
Libido and fantasy are fine in my own company, but the idea of physically having sex with others, it doesn't really appeal to me, but I love cuddles.
I have never felt better about myself. The inner peace I found with my sexual identity is indescribable. A huge stone fell from my heart and my self-esteem has increased quite a bit.
I'm happy to talk about it if it's brought up, and luckily I've never encountered unpleasant reactions, but I've encountered a lot of skepticism: "Is this a thing now, too?" or "I'm not always in the mood for sex either" and "you probably haven't met the right one yet".
But with those where the acceptance means something to me, I am so lucky that I got it.
- anonymous, 43 years old
“Talking about it out loud has really helped”
It was approx. a year into the relationship with my girlfriend. It happened quite suddenly, and I went from having a frequent sex drive to not having it at all. I've always really wanted sex and have been sexually active for many years, but all of a sudden my system just shut down.
I'm still figuring out how to define my sexuality because it's so new to me that I don't want sex as much. I am not 'full-time asexual', but my sex drive is markedly less and at times non-existent.
At the same time, the way I want to have sex - when I do occasionally want to - is completely different. I have had an incredible amount of thoughts about my lack of sex drive. Both because it is a societal taboo, but also because I have fundamentally felt terribly wrong.
I have spent a lot of energy trying to find an answer to WHY I don't feel like sex. One answer probably lies in the fact that, based on a feminist outlook, I have become aware of how exploited I have become throughout my life when it comes to sex. It's something my body reacts violently to now.
It also leads to the fact that the only time I feel like sex is when, for example, I've had a deep conversation with my boyfriend, or we've just cuddled/huged/touched each other innocently for hours.
It has been difficult for me to define my sexuality because I feel that society has an expectation for a new type of liberation, where the feminist woman naturally wants lots of sex and also to be open about it.
In conversations with girlfriends I have felt SO wrong. Both because I don't have the same sex drive as them, and also because I actually find the subject of 'sex' extremely uninteresting.
It was (and is) extremely difficult to navigate! It has both been difficult in my relationship - especially with a girlfriend whose sex drive is flawless. But we stick together and make it work.
At Roskilde Festival this year, I broke down after participating in several talks, all of which were about having sex at the festival. Here I had to open up to my girlfriends for the first time, and it's the best thing I've done. There were several of them who could easily recognize my feelings, and it made a seriously big burden on my shoulders disappear. I've actually felt really good since and have started to force myself to talk more openly about it as my contribution to the feminist debate.
Holy crap, it's just been tough mentally, so it's really helped to talk about it out loud and claim the right NOT to want sex.
- woman, 26 years old
Sources: LGBT+ Denmark , Sexlinien
