Have you lost your desire for sex? Or have you never really been able to find it? Libido, sex drive, desire - the dear child has many names. And whatever you call it, it can be frustrating to feel like you're missing it.
Sexual desire is a complex quantity. It is not the same size for everyone. And it can change throughout life.
You are not wrong if you have less desire for sex than your girlfriend. But it can quickly feel like you're always rejecting if your libido just isn't the same as the person you're sharing the sheets with.
This can cause friction in your relationship. This may mean that you do what you can to avoid ending up in situations where your partner suggests sex. And it can give you bad self-esteem.
For some, just getting started can help. Give sex life an unromantic jump start. For others, the rule that sex makes you want more sex does not apply. Notice what feels right for you and respect your body and what it tells you.
Find out more about your desire for sex and why it is lacking in our guide.
Why don't I feel like sex?
There may be several reasons why you have lost your sex drive. Stress, fatigue, illness, anxiety, depression and poor self-esteem are some of them. Perhaps your lack of desire is a combination of several factors. Read more about the possible causes here.
Possible reasons why you have lost your appetite
- You are stressed. Your mental well-being is an important player in your sex life, and stress is a surefire libido killer.
- You are tired. It takes energy to be intimate. Yes, in fact, studies show that it can bring back the sex drive if the night's sleep improves.
- There are conflicts in your relationship. If arguments and a bad atmosphere are common at your home, this can result in a reduced sex drive.
- You have just given birth or are breastfeeding. It is not unusual to lose the desire for sex when you are standing with a newborn on your arm. And when we write, 'you just gave birth', we don't mean just within the last few weeks. It can take months, even years after giving birth before you get your sex drive back. A baby requires body contact, and it is quite common for mothers of young children to feel what is called 'touched out': you get an overdose of touch during the day and can't bear to be touched any more when your partner wants to want to have sex.
- You have poor self-confidence. If you do not feel good about your body, or if you feel that you have to live up to unrealistic expectations when you have sex, it is quite natural that you have lost your desire for sex.
- You are pregnant. A pregnancy makes your body feel different than it usually does, and your hormones are raging. And then the desire for sex disappears easily.
- You are sick. Both mental and physical illnesses can stand in the way of regaining sex drive. Depression and anxiety can be stressful. Medicines can also be the cause of your lack of libido.
- You live unhealthy. When your body does not get the optimal conditions, your sex drive also finds it difficult. You don't have to start running a marathon or on a fasting diet, but a general healthy lifestyle can help the desire for sex on the way.
- You use birth control pills. Ironically, the little pill that sets your sex life free can lower your sex drive. It is not necessarily your birth control pills that have robbed you of your libido, but it may be worth trying a birth control pill break.
- You have a trauma. If your sexual boundaries have been exceeded, or if you have been subjected to abuse, this may have consequences for your sex drive.
My girlfriend wants sex more than I do
No desire for sex can especially feel like a problem if your partner has more desire for sex than you. Maybe your partner feels rejected. Perhaps you feel even more wrong because you do not live up to your own or your partner's expectations of a good sex life.
It can make you feel like a bad boyfriend. This can cause conflicts. It can cause poor self-esteem in both of you.
If you feel a direct lack of desire, you should never have sex for your partner's sake. It is important that you notice and listen to yourself. Put the problem into words and talk to your sex partner. Maybe he or she also feels wrong because he/she wants more than you.
Is it normal not to want sex?
It is completely normal to have a decreased sex drive. Studies show that 6-13% of adult women experience a lack of desire for sex at some point in their lives. Both young and older women may feel that their desire for sex is too small.
Not wanting sex - what can you do?
It depends on what the cause of your lack of sex drive is. For some, it may be enough to experiment at home with different methods to regain desire. For others, the solution may be a session with a sexologist. Eventually, you can learn to activate your sex drive through practice and training.
You can also seek medical help. It can especially be a good idea if you suspect an imbalance in your hormones, side effects of a medication you are taking, or you suffer from anxiety, depression or severe stress.
Find inspiration here for how you can go in search of your sex drive at home in your own sheets here.
9 ways to boost your sex drive
- Take a break from sex. Agree that you must not have sex at all for a period of time. Not even if you feel like it. It takes the pressure of expectation off your shoulders and gives you time to rediscover yourself and feel your body. It can be a period of several weeks. Maybe months.
- Have foreplay only. You may kiss, caress and hug, but you may NOT penetrate or stimulate each other to an orgasm or ejaculation. Agree a period in which you will not have sex. That way, you focus on what feels good instead of putting the sex itself at the center.
- Don't chase the orgasm. If you have the success criterion that sex must end with an orgasm, drop that idea. Performance pressure does not help a reduced sex drive on the way.
- Find out if that turns you on. Research and explore your desire. You can masturbate, fantasize and experiment. Notice what triggers your desire. Or think back to times when you have clearly felt your libido and consider what it was that did the trick for you.
- Find out what turns off your lust. Are there situations, smells or touches that are direct turn offs for you? When you know what you don't like, it becomes easier to steer clear of it. Write down your turn offs. And if you have the courage to do so, share them with your girlfriend.
- Explore your body. Treat yourself to a vibrator and try it out to feel what feels good. Start by experimenting alone - later you can involve your partner if it feels right. Maybe you find that the button for your sex drive is to be found on a vibrating piece of sex toy.
- Get your sleep. An American study shows that sex drive increased in the female participants in the study when they got enough night's sleep.
- Watch porn. Maybe you haven't seen porn before - maybe you've just seen the wrong porn - discover your own desire by watching others. Check out our guide to porn for women for inspiration.
- Do not consider others. A leg brace for your sex drive is your regard for other people's expectations. Stop thinking about what others expect of you in bed - focus instead on what turns you on.
Still not in the mood? Respect your body and give it time
You can try to entice your sex drive, but if it waits, you have to respect that. You can't force yourself to feel desire, and the pressure of expectation does nothing but reduce your desire even more. Give it time. Respect your body. And love it. It deserves it.
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Sources: Sundhed.dk, Netdoktor.dk
