When do you really know what your sexuality is? When do you actually become aware of what you turn on? And why do you have to fight to be allowed to be who you are, as soon as you stand out from the crowd?
These are big questions, and they are probably not questions to which you can get a simple and concrete answer. I am convinced that the answers to those questions are as different as people are different.
I was in first grade when I found out that my sexuality was different from my peers. I didn't know what sexuality was, but I knew I stood out from the crowd
When people asked if I had a boyfriend or if I had a crush on someone from school, I said no. But there was one that I was happy about. I wrote 'love letters' to that person and saved them in my diary. I never told anyone that the one I liked was a girl.
Already at an early age I hid my sexuality away. At first I hid it away because I was already being bullied about my weight. Because I didn't want to be bullied about my sexuality as well. It had been easy for those who bullied me to use my sexuality against me.
Over time, it was also about hiding my sexuality, because I wasn't ready to be met by other people's prejudices, and by other people's statements that what stands out from the crowd is "wrong."
I often heard people say things like, 'Why do gay people have to show the whole world that they are gay? After all, I don't advertise that I'm straight.' 'Homosexuals exaggerate their sexuality.' And 'you're doing something wrong if you're gay.'
Comments like that made me not want to stand by my sexuality in any way. Because would those people distance themselves from me? Would I be bullied more? There are probably other LGBT+ people who can recognize those feelings and thoughts on one level or another.
I knew I wasn't straight. I just didn't know what else to call it. At the same time, I also knew that I was not sick. I didn't do anything wrong. These were huge thoughts and decisions that I had to go through alone at a very early age. But for me there was no other option. I didn't dare otherwise.
It was also for this reason that I only told my circle of friends in my late 20s that my sexual debut was earlier than I had otherwise said.
My first real sexual debut was with a friend in my early teenage years. But when people asked in the past, I told them that my first sexual debut was with a guy. And that I had sex with him when I was 18. It was hard that for so many years I didn't feel that I could be honest because I feared the consequences.
It was one thing that I found out in first grade that I was bisexual, but another thing was that in my late teens I found out that I was sexually turned on by things that I never heard people talk about. Again I felt alone. I didn't feel strong enough to defend my sexuality and sexual desires. So again I packed away my sexuality.
It wasn't until I turned 28 and broke out of an abusive relationship that I chose that my life was too short for me to live my life in the shadow of myself. And live according to how others think I should live. When I turned 28 I 'came out' with all my sexuality. As I began to stand up for my sexuality, it dawned on me that for far too long my sexuality has been filled with guilt, shame and fear. And it shouldn't be like that. Neither for me nor for anyone else. We all have the right to be exactly who we are. No one should tell us how we should be.
That is why I choose to share my story. I want to contribute to us being able to talk about sex, without hiding who we are. Because my experience tells me that when we talk about it, we discover that we are not so alone and that we do not stand out from the crowd as much as we think.
If my story, about standing up for yourself and your sexuality, can help just one other person out of living in guilt, shame and fear, and in the shadow of themselves, then everything makes sense to me.
Today I am in my 30s and I have never felt more at home in myself than I do now. I love people. And if you were to put a label on me, someone would probably say that I am pansexual. Because I don't feel comfortable with labels and boxes myself, I identify as an LGBT+ woman.
I am still overweight, but I feel good in my body and I rest in myself. I embrace my own sexuality and I stand by who I am. I am proud of her, I am today.
For those of you who have read along here. If you have thought along the way: "I can recognize that." If you have experienced guilt, shame and fear in connection with your sexuality, or if you are an overweight person and have experienced being picked on simply because you are overweight, then I would like to say the following to you:
There is a reason why you came into the world.
There's a reason there's only one like you.
The world needs someone exactly like you. You matter.
Don't be ashamed of who you are, how you look or what your sexuality is.
Don't live in the shadow of yourself because some people think you have to fit into certain boxes.
Be who you are and be proud of it.
Be you. All of you!
