Where did you go to learn how to have sex as a trans man?
It has actually been a huge problem for me to find knowledge about having sex as a trans man. It makes perfect sense in and of itself that few people share something as intimate and private as sex, and probably even fewer trans people, because many trans people can have a more dysphoric relationship with their body. But over time it has become a bit easier on more anonymous sites like Reddit or among others in the environment. At the end of the day, sex is just sex, so I think I slowly found peace in just having sex in the way that I think made sense for myself and for my partner.
Do you have any tips and tricks on how people who have to have sex with a non-cis person respect a trans body?
In reality, in my view, it shouldn't be much different than having sex with a cis person. It should be customary to ask a sex partner about their limits and desires, both before, during and after sex. Better to ask once too much than once too little if it's okay for you to touch certain places, what they prefer you call their genitals, or if they want something specific. I think most people prefer a satisfied sex partner, and you only get that if you check in with them along the way and make sure you're not overstepping anyone's boundaries. Especially because many people - at least that's how I've often felt - may end up saying yes to things or going along with something that might in reality have been a bit over the line. It is always good to take the temperature of the situation, so that you are absolutely sure that all parties are 100% on board with what is going on.
You've mentioned before that as a 12-year-old you worried about whether you'd ever have a sex life with other people. How is your relationship with sex today?
My relationship with sex today is far better than my 12-year-old self could have ever dreamed of. I have a very loose and relaxed relationship with sex, which I am quite proud of. I take great pride in being able to talk openly about intimacy with my friends and with my boyfriend. It's both fun and lovely, and I keep learning new things about myself and my body, and constantly develop to my liking. It is hugely exciting to have that dialogue with other people. I think a lot of people forget that the talk about sex doesn't have to be about what goes on in YOUR specific bedroom, but more of a fluid conversation about what sex can and should be, about self-esteem and confidence and most importantly; one's view of the body and what it is capable of.
If you had to give your younger self one piece of advice, what would it be?
Give yourself plenty of time to feel, and be open about your thoughts and desires and fantasies. Any person who cares about you will respect your boundaries and accept them without hesitation. You're not weird or different just because you don't have sex in the exact same way they do in porn - quite the opposite. You are a person with desires and needs who deserve to have them fulfilled just as much as anyone else. Try to find peace in your body as much as possible. It is not wrong because it is not exactly what you had hoped. It probably wouldn't have been either, even if you had a dick and a washboard - you'd probably find something to be unhappy about anyway. Your body is exactly as it should be, and it can do everything it needs to and more. So try to appreciate it, even if it's not easy every day.
