Question by Ida Højegaard. Answer by Annahita Tajik.
Q: How do you think your cultural background has influenced your understanding and experience of sexuality?
A: It has had an impact on the way I have acted in my intimate relationships - on my relationships with the people I have dated and had sex with. I have been very reluctant to both express and explore my sexuality.
In my teenage years, I struggled with an intense sense of shame. The shame came with me as I got older. While those around me dated freely, and had the opportunity to express their sexuality without reservation.
I refrained from dating and from expressing my sexuality because I felt that I had to live up to the expectations of my family. Expectations that include was that you should not kiss on the first date, not have sex before you were in a relationship and that you should not date more than one at the same time.
Conversations about sex and boys in the home were (mostly) non-existent, and if the conversation did finally fall on those topics, it was always with a negative edge. The conversations with my parents lacked an openness and I didn't feel comfortable enough to ask questions.
It settled in my body and in my mind as shame, and meant that for a long period I was very limited in my exploration of my sexuality.
After a good while, I could feel that I needed to tear myself away from those expectations. And I almost went from one extreme to the other. Back then, it was what was needed for me to find myself and my sexual side.
Q: What would you like to achieve by sharing your personal experiences with others?
A: I hope to de-taboo talk about sex and the shame that comes with it for ethnic minorities. I hope that my story can give an insight into the sexual life of a minority woman. It is not often that I hear other ethnic minorities talk about sexuality as openly as I do. And I still find that people around me are surprised by how open I am when the conversation turns to sex - both for better and for worse.
I hope that I can be a mirror for others who have to navigate multiple cultures. Of course, I also hope that sharing my experience can help other minorities feel less alone.
Q: When did you start to feel more comfortable standing up for your sexuality?
A: When I no longer tried to live up to the almost unattainable high standards that had been set in my family - for the women in the family - specifically.
I slowly realized that I had to express myself the way I wanted to. At first I tried to hide it from my family so I wouldn't be confronted with their reactions. But slowly I was able to rest more and more within myself, and that meant that at some point I chose, stopped hiding that part of myself.
It wasn't easy. And it's still not easy.
My parents almost panic if I share just a hint of my sexual side in a post on insta, but I have gradually learned that the shame they carry around should not be passed on to me and therefore I try as far as possible not to let it affects me.
The shame I've been carrying is gone, and it makes me feel safe to know that I don't have to pass on that shame, which I feel has played a big role over generations in my family.
Q: What would you say to others who may feel insecure because of cultural expectations or other norms?
A: It is completely natural to feel insecure, especially when you are (perhaps) standing between two different cultures pulling in opposite directions. It can be hard and difficult to figure out where to place yourself in it.
The expectations on the home front can weigh heavily. Especially when it's your whole family that has something to say about the way you live your life. It takes courage to handle that pressure. It is important that you take it at your own pace and that you remember that your sexuality is something you have to figure out for yourself along the way by listening to your own thoughts and feelings.
