Sexologist Sara Andersen answers your questions about sex and love in Klub Venus' Sex letterbox. Send your question to hello@klubvenus.dk, write 'Letterbox' in the subject field.
Hi Sarah.I am a girl of 18 years and I have been masturbating for several years and can achieve orgasm every time - both with a vibrator, shower, hand etc. I have never been able to achieve an orgasm with a partner before which frustrates me. It's as if I can't "step into" the pleasure when I'm with others in the same way that I can when I'm alone. I've tried masturbating where my current partner is watching to take control myself, but I still don't feel like I can completely relax and get out of my head and into my body. Do you have any suggestions on how I can work with it?
I considered using a vibrator during sex as it makes me come easier when I'm alone. But feel that it might be a more "fake" or unnatural orgasm when you are with a partner (which I also read that a sexologist thought). Is it okay to use a vibrator to achieve orgasm? Because I feel there is a bit of a hierarchy in how justified different orgasms are.
Kind Regards O
Sara Andersen, sexologist:
dear you,
Thank you very much for your question! I think that I will go a little into the history of orgasms, where I will then talk about your problems, so that you will get a lot out of my answer <3
Sexy History Hour: For several centuries here in the Western world, it was said that if a person with a vulva could have an orgasm at all, it happened via what is called a "vaginal orgasm", when a penis was inserted into the vagina. It fit perfectly into the patriarchal society, where the woman did not have a sexuality without the man. It was only in the 1960s that the American researchers Virginia Johnsen and William Masters concluded that orgasm is always connected to the clitoris. Orgasms cannot therefore always be divided 100% into something called a vaginal/clitoral orgasm, since even if an orgasm is triggered by the clitoris, the musculature at the vagina/larger part of the clitoris will be affected, vice versa, since the entire clitoris goes in and fills up enormously very. It is only the "clitoris head" that can be seen from the outside. However, there have been many theories about why women actually have orgasms and what the lovely clitoris' function actually is. The best answer is simply that its only function is pleasure, as the only body part on the human body at all:
I was involved in a study during my training as a sexologist, where we examined the orgasm among 608 Scandinavian vulva owners. Here we found that approx. 83% orgasm with themselves, where only approx. 55% could achieve orgasm with a partner. We found out that a lot of people can have difficulty communicating with those they have sex with.
There is no one right way to stimulate an orgasm as all our bodies are different. It is therefore extremely important that communication is clear. Explore and be curious and find out what works for you and those you have sex with. For example, you can say "a little to the left, right, up, down, keep going, try like this etc". Communication does not have to be only verbal. Sex is an enormous bodily experience, so you can also communicate with the body, by e.g. controlling their hand, twitching a little, tightening the pelvis, etc. It seems that you know what works for you, as you masturbate and achieve orgasm - it's really nice of you! Congratulations on your knowledge of your own desire and body <3 It's okay that you get frustrated, sex and pleasure can be complicated. I'm wondering if you're going to be high on your head during sex with someone else? Many come to have a negative focus on their appearance during sex, which results in a form of performance anxiety. There can also be an internal pressure that you MUST have an orgasm, so that you again get a little high in your head, rather than focusing on enjoyment and presence with the other person and yourself. Sex should be fun, nice and pure pleasure for your beautiful body. You are just as you should be!
As a sexologist, I feel that you really should have a vibrator in bed! There are a lot of people who have, and that's completely okay. Many may be nervous about whether it's okay with those they have sex with, but if you can feel a desire to do it and feel it's right for your body, then go do it honey! Feel free to involve them in the fact that they may control the vibrator according to your instructions. Guide their hand and follow them into your dance. You can also hold it on the clitoris while they, for example, penetrate you. There are many ways you can play with a vibrator together. Maybe it should be allowed to vibrate on your whole body, like a tingling element that moves slowly towards your vulva? Your body, abdomen and heart will be grateful that you choose to follow your desires and let go <3 Be curious and playful.
Hope that helped you a bit on your way, otherwise you'll have to post again!
Sara
