Sexologist Sara Andersen answers your questions about sex and love in Klub Venus' Sex letter box.
I am 20 years old and had my first boyfriend for 4 months but we broke up in January. I was running around and had a stomach ache all the time and I felt uncomfortable as I felt I was compromising myself too much in the relationship.
I don't think I was in love and I had doubts but wanted to give it a chance, I just couldn't in the end and I ended up breaking up. I wanted him to feel good so much that I willingly did everything for him, even if I didn't feel like it. I have had a lot of anxiety afterwards when I have to compromise, i.e. do things that are not 100% cool for me, so I learned that I have to stop being considerate and do what I want. And that I had to be myself and say what I thought. This is how I can be comfortable in a relationship. And that it has to go slowly, so that I can follow along and not feel pushed into something too early and that it stifles my chances of getting a feeling.
Now I have met a guy here last weekend, we have seen each other 4 times now. And I already have the same feeling again as when I was in my previous relationship. The pressure, the panic over difficult feelings... I freak out because I know it would probably happen again, that it would be difficult.
I don't really feel it with him, but at the same time I think he's cute and I'd like it if it's quiet and calm and it doesn't take up too much space with me. And he's fucking cute and I think he'd be good for me, I don't understand why my emotions are screaming instead of enjoying it. I've even told him I see now that I want it to go very slowly and he feels the same way. I can't fathom if I have to run around and feel as bad again as when I was in my previous relationship. Especially since it's probably all happening inside me. It makes me sad. I am an overthinker with a capital O, and I suffer from anxiety, among other things. and I am chronically confused and have difficulty understanding myself. I probably hope that I can get some clarification by writing, so I really hope you can help. By the way, it's me who wrote the question to Sara "I only feel I'm worth something when I have sex with someone or someone is interested in me - what does it mean". So don't know if that way of thinking can have an influence on this dilemma.
Hug
Sara Andersen, sexologist:
dear you,
Thank you so much for your question, and for opening up about the dilemmas that are going on inside you. Your problem speaks to several themes, which I want to delve into a bit <3
If we were sitting across from each other, I would ask you when you first felt your stomach ache and became uncomfortable with your first boyfriend. Then I would ask you how you reacted and dealt with those feelings. Reading your question, I get the impression that you suppressed them so as not to "hurt" his feelings when those feelings came up in you.
Your body is so amazingly designed to give you signals when there is something that is good for you, or something that is not very sustainable for you. These can be big or small signals, but it is important to take the time to notice them. Noticing is an enormously useful tool when we have to find out what we have to do and how we have to act. Based on your question, you seem very reflective and you can clearly put into words the feelings that rumble inside you. But it's like there's a fear of acting on it when they come up because you don't want to be a bother or because of a belief that your value will decrease?
You tell me that you are now experiencing anxiety. Anxiety can be a gift because your body signals very clearly when you need to take care of yourself. Here it is really important that you listen to what your body is telling you. Many tend to listen more to their head than their body. But your head will often try to rationalize situations and it can tell you 100,000 things that neither make much sense nor contradict your body; because they usually don't work together very much until you teach them to cooperate.
When body and brain must learn to cooperate, it is your body and YOU who are the team leaders. The head has been brought up by completely different norms than what is actually natural and desire-driven in man (by desire I mean not only sexual, but desire in all respects. Desire to break up, desire to find your own way, desire to chocolate cake, want to cry and so on). Women's heads have long been brought up to be "pleasers", where I really like that you use the word "considerate", as that is often what it is really about. There is a narrative that if the woman stands up for herself and refuses to "please" others, then she is not an "ideal partner/friend/daughter". We simply have to throw that belief in the bin, because it breaks down and minimizes you and what you can do.
Because you have chosen not to act on your body's signals for a long time, you have experienced a kind of loss of control. Therefore, your body now goes on standby and says "oh no, now remember what happened last time" . You write that your body is "screaming", which is a very clear picture of what is happening inside you. It has tried to whisper, tell and say in a loud voice that you should take care of yourself - and now it screams in the hope that you will listen and take it seriously. Again; It seems like you have really put some good thoughts into your head. You write that it must go slowly, that you must be yourself, say what you think, and that this is how you can be comfortable in a relationship. It's damn good! Already here, you have taken a giant step in the right direction.
You write that you are chronically confused and have difficulty understanding yourself. But I don't actually think that you have particular difficulty in understanding yourself, because you write many conclusions about your feelings. I think you have a hard time allowing yourself to listen and act on your feelings; because there is a fear of being alone. Many people would rather let go of themselves, to belong to someone else, for fear of being alone. But that will just, as a rule, result in you time and again getting into a vicious circle, where you leave yourself and your body in places where it doesn't want to be. Your worth is not in being with someone else. Your self-esteem is something that can only arise from within yourself (that's why it's called self-esteem). You are welcome to have difficult and big feelings, it is part of life. But with them come important life lessons. It is especially through relationship breakups that we learn a lot about ourselves.
When you are in difficult situations where there are difficult feelings, you must ask yourself the question: "What am I supposed to learn here?" Search for the answer within yourself. When you get these panicky feelings around your new guy, take a breath and think about where those feelings are coming from. You say that you are afraid that it will be like the last relationship. It could well be because you haven't yet learned your life lesson from the first breakup.
You don't have to minimize yourself to fit into someone's image/expectation of you. For the sake of the goddesses, don't ignore your body's signals and break yourself down for fear of being alone. If you can feel that there is no room for you and your feelings in a relationship, and that you have to compromise, then it is not a relationship you need to be in.
Your happiness is your responsibility, and once you take the helm and actively choose to make good decisions for you and your body… damn babe, you become much more authentic and fabulous! It is through life's challenges that we learn our own truth <3
I hope you got answers to some of your thoughts. Otherwise, you always have to write again!
🤍 Sara
