Sexologist Sara Andersen answers your questions about sex and love in Klub Venus' Sex letterbox.
Dear Sara
I have two questions
I don't have a good handle on what type of lubricant you use for what. I'm obviously quite sensitive in the sense that after I've used my vibrator with (water-based) lubricant, "pimples" can subsequently develop on the inside of the labia majora, which is hugely frustrating. Whether there is a connection or whether I'm just available, I don't know 100%. Is there a specific type of lubricant that is recommended in this case or do you just have to wash yourself straight afterwards?
I have a very high sex drive, which is the complete opposite of my partner. I am also very experimental where he is very conservative and generally won't try things out for me. We have been together for many years now and I thought I could "make do" with experimenting alone. But I think it has long since started to become a problem. I feel less like him and would rather play by myself, which I don't think is sustainable. Is there anything to do? Would you possibly could introduce something particularly gentle/calm and what could it be?
Sara Andersen, sexologist:
dear you,
Thank you so much for your questions and for sharing. You are certainly not alone with these thoughts <3
Double check the back of the tube
There are a lot of different lube brands out there and I don't know if the one you have sitting on your bedside table is a fairly mild one? Think you should double check the back of the tube, because even though it is water-based, it may well have traces of perfume or similar in it. We recommend products for the beautiful genitals without too much fuss, otherwise it may cause irritation to a greater or lesser degree. Otherwise, baby oil from the supermarket could also be a really good alternative! - and if it persists, see your doctor <3
Start over together
Regarding your second question, I can tell you that you are far from the only couple with this imbalance. On the way to finding each other again sexually, patience is important to master. Especially when you have to remove the focus from it for a small amount of time, and simply start all over again together in the sexual. It seems to me that you have "a script", which stays very much within some square framework, where you now have to go in and build your own form from the start. Forget everything you've learned about how to have sex. Freestyle and be curious together <3
You write that your boyfriend is very conservative and finds it difficult to try new things sexually, even though you want to do it with him. I'm curious to hear how you and your girlfriend talk about your sex life, experimentation and sex in general? It seems to me that he is more reserved and that you have a hard time talking about it together in a sustainable way.
First of all, a space must be created where you can talk openly and lovingly together about your curiosities. Maybe he actually hides some desires and wishes, but is not in a place where he can notice and feel "okay" enough to realize them himself? That's how it is for a lot of people, because sex still has a taboo about it, especially inside ourselves. And often you stick to what is "safe", because it can seem completely unreal that we actually have to break away from the norm and experiment with our sexuality. But in the journey to that, your security with each other is really a big plus!
"I would like to..."
So how could we start this journey together? One idea could be for you to plan and prioritize a nice little date night. It doesn't have to be out in public, but light some candles, put on some music and maybe have a drink. some beers and play the opposite game of "I've never..." so it's called "I'd like to...". It can, for example, start by mentioning things you want to do this summer; "I'd like to go for a bike ride together and eat some food", "I'd like to go to a concert together", "I'd like to take a nude bath together", etc., where it might develop into "I'd like to give you a massage with some oil ”, “I want to try that we can only touch each other with our hands without penetration” “I want to touch your whole body with a vibrator”, and in that way let the conversation develop.
If your partner doesn't seem completely ready with your proposal, you can lovingly and curiously ask about their reaction and thoughts, and find a good middle ground in small steps <3 In this way, it may be easier to talk about in other settings also when you have had a positive and easy experience with it in a playful way.
I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to talk to our partner about needs, desire, sex and feelings connected to it. It is a huge gift for your relationship and yourself. In those conversations, it is especially important to point out everything that runs well and is nice! If we only talk about all the things that don't work, it can seem like a long and drawn-out conversation. So preferably start from what works, and develop it further together <3 When it comes to sex, preferably take the conversations out of the bedroom for a start, otherwise it may well create a pressure of expectation.
15 years again
You write that he doesn't really want to do what you want. We all have our boundaries, which must be respected, but there is a difference between experiences that are "boundary-crossing" and "boundary-expanding", and a large part of that calculation lies in who we experience these things with. Now you are in a relationship, where hopefully there are a lot of lovely feelings between you, so maybe it is "just" expanding the boundaries for him. It could be that it is vulnerable and that he feels an insecurity/performance anxiety because these are new experiences that he does not have much experience with? It can be a good conversation to have; whether it's transcending or expanding for him, and say you're in the same boat - because you haven't tried these things together. But that you are so crazy about him, and want to go on adventures with him, where you are just playing <3 Try to agree that you are 15 years old again, and there are no rules for how to have sex. Remove the thoughts of achievement and the focus on penetration and step into it together again. Go slowly and remember there are no rules <3
Nice and slow
It may also be that you have to find other ways to be intimate for a start. Prioritize going out together, curl up on the couch for a movie, go for a walk with a cup of coffee and find a bench where you talk about everything you love about each other, take a bath together where you just have to hug, give each other a neck massage , where you sit up, so that there is not necessarily a hint for intercourse. Nice and slow <3 You know best what works for you.
I hope you got some inspiration, and if it's hard, you always just write again!
big hug,
Sara
