Text by Simone. Illustration by Ida Lindbæk.
"Which color should we start by painting on the white canvas?" he asked.
"A large yellow stripe," I replied, and, after a breath, followed up with the words; "The yellow stripe should represent my first orgasm".
He lies on his back, closes his eyes, wraps his hand around an invisible paintbrush and makes an invisible brush stroke. "Let's try" he whispers, taking my body into his.
Ten minutes before, I had, for the first time ever, expressed my desire to a partner - In fact, it was the first time that I had in any way put into words my thoughts about sex to him. It happened after I became speechless again when I was asked what I wanted. Since I have been going to therapy in connection with my sexuality for the last six months, I thought that now I had to start defying my oral paralysis, which is mostly linked to fear and old traumas. Traumas that have stuck and caused me to often run on a kind of autopilot during sex. The autopilot has made it difficult for me to be present as myself, and my primary focus has been on what my partner liked. Not on myself. I have therefore had no focus at all on what my desires have actually been.
In my twenty-seventh year of life, I had therefore still not had an orgasm with a partner. I am not saying here that achieving an orgasm is the only indicator of healthy sexuality or that it is the only goal of intimacy, but for me it has been a symbol that I have never dared to let go of a sexual room with another.
My relationship with sex has previously been so characterized by shame, trauma and performance pressure that I have had difficulty accepting pleasure and articulating my desires. When I defied my oral paralysis and expressed my vulnerability in connection with sex, I could feel that I was already letting go of a lot of baggage. Additionally, my greatest fear of being seen as a lesser sexual being in my partner's eyes due to my frailty was put to shame.
But I can still find it difficult to talk about sex, my desires and needs, because the shame is buried deep inside me. So my partner and I agreed to create an imaginary white canvas together. A canvas where we paint over all the colors of the past, and start fresh with our own colors. We create a conversation space where previous experiences, assumptions and attitudes, created among other things on the basis of society's norms, are erased and our own are created. We partially camouflage our language of sex behind a color on a canvas; eg a yellow stripe as a symbol of an orgasm. This means that we now have a common language for our sex life. A language where I dare to say which color I want to paint - or recreate - on the painting. Because when the language is camouflaged behind a color on a canvas that I imagine in my head, it doesn't seem as scary to say it out loud.
Occasionally I can still take two steps back, and then only half a step forward. But I am on my way to being free of my shame and trauma, and becoming better at articulating my desires and needs - which has given me a much better sex life. And on top of that, a larger portion of self-acceptance.
... And together my partner and I have painted the big, nice, yellow stripe on my white canvas <3
