By Hülya Vandborg
The famous two pink lines spoke their own clear language. A tiny sprout was growing into a baby in my belly. A real baby! I could already feel quite small changes in my body and was prepared that it would probably soon become much more significant. The breasts were a little sore and I was so tired all the time that no nap in the world could cheer me up. But I was happy and so was he. We were going to be parents and I was already looking forward to walking around with a big, round belly.
A pregnant woman is one of the most beautiful things
I was sure that I would feel both beautiful and sexy when my belly started to grow bigger. In my eyes, a pregnant woman is one of the most beautiful things, and I have heard how men almost adore their pregnant girlfriends. I have also heard how women lose their sex drive during pregnancy, while the man has had to wait in frustration until she was back in her "old body". (By the way, who thought of referring to the postnatal body in that way... As if it will ever be the same again after carrying a small human - and why should it?)
I was prepared for my body to change and that was actually totally okay because I knew what a crazy process it was going to go through. It is only natural that it leaves its mark. I was just happy that my high sex drive was immediately unaffected by the extreme fatigue and nausea of the first months. Preserved, even the water from the shower should preferably not approach my unbearably sore nipples, but the desire for intimacy and sex was fortunately not evaporated.
Unfortunately, it was with him. His libido had always been less than mine, but it was as if just the thought of the tiny baby in my belly put a final stop to his desire for adult play. Was it me who had become less attractive? Was he not turning me on anymore? My body? It hadn't changed that much yet either, so it made no sense to look for the explanation there, but you can be so irrational when the hormones have taken over.
It felt infinitely lonely
Those hormones can really play tricks on you. And do something about one's sensitivity to rejection. Indeed, it was as if all emotions were intensified a hundredfold. Of course, it also has its charm in one way or another, but the frustrations over the pregnant body's enormous hunger for presence, body contact and release, which are not met, are also blown completely out of proportion. It felt infinitely lonely. To stand in your amazing feeling of being something special and not be seen for it. And even more lonely not being able to reflect in similar stories from other women. I think in general we talk too little about when the woman's desire exceeds the man's, and it is a shame for all those who are surely in the same situation. In my case, the sex drive increased extremely in the last months of pregnancy, and I have to promise that it is problematic when your partner is not tuned into the same track.
After the birth, I was in a completely new situation again. A completely new and changed body that both felt different and looked different. It was softer than ever before, and I had a bit of a hard time with that. I have always had a flat stomach and firm breasts and butt. Now the belly was rounder, and the breasts quickly grew huge and ready for breastfeeding. I knew very well that they would probably become a lot more sloppy when they were no longer filled to bursting point with milk. How do you actually find your way back to the very close, intimate space when it has been neatly closed and locked during the entire pregnancy? Had his view of me changed after seeing me give birth? Had my own? And could it even be sexy with the giant milk crates, which of course also leaked occasionally? And when, by the way, we were never 100% alone from the day I gave birth. From now on, there was always a baby nearby that we had to learn to abstract from if we were to resume that sex life, which gradually felt like a very distant acquaintance.
I have made peace with the things I could wish for differently
I couldn't imagine how we were going to find each other again, even though my changed body didn't really change my desire to. Perhaps it is a little atypical for women, who have a reputation for being quite self-conscious and holding back when body confidence is not at its best.
I feel extremely lucky, as my sex drive has never been affected by bodily complexes. Because of course I also have plenty of them. I've simply learned that my own perspective rarely reflects reality as others see it, and I've finally made peace with the little things that I occasionally wish were different. They are a part of me and show the changes my body has gone through throughout my life, and my experience tells me that most men see the pregnant body and the mother's body with completely different glasses than we do ourselves.
Unfortunately, we can never control hormonal changes, but if the desire is intact, then own it <3
