Maybe it's been a fantasy you've had since before you even started having sex: a dream you've always imagined having to live out at some point. It may also be that it is a new consideration that has only recently occurred to you: Should you try a triangle?
But who should you take it with? Do you have any regrets along the way? And how do you actually do it?
Are you considering a threesome?
Triangles can be a fun adventure. It can be a way to get an even closer relationship with your permanent partner, because you get a new experience that you can share. And it can also be an occasion to explore new dynamics in your relationship. At the same time, it can also be the way to find your limits (and it is important that you respect them).
A threesome should never be an attempt to repair a bad relationship, something you do with your partner without talking it through first, or something you feel you have to do to make others happy, or because you think that it is expected of you.
The key is communication with each other, respect for your sexual partners and knowing your own limits.
How do I ask my boyfriend if we should have a threesome?
If you are in a committed relationship, the two of you decide whether the triangle should just continue to be something you fantasize about, or whether it should be lived out. And it can be difficult to get the question out of your mouth the first time: "Do you want a triangle?".
So how do you ask?
There are several ways to approach it: You can joke a little about the idea to see if your partner is on board. You can also vent the thought while watching porn: "I've always fantasized about that myself...". Or you can ask during or right after sex - it's like a more natural time than while you're making dinner or down to hand over the mortgage. And you don't have to ask directly first: "Do you want a threesome?" - you can start by telling what you want:
“... I would really like to see you with another person.”
"... the thought of one more in bed turns me on."
"... sometimes I think about how it would feel if there were two sets of hands touching me at the same time."
According to Zhana Vrangalova, who is a professor of human sexuality at New York University, there are five factors that are important when you have to have a difficult conversation - and talking about whether you should consider a threesome can be difficult. The five factors are: the time, the place, your psychological state, the problem and the purpose of the conversation.
In other words: Take into account where and when you ask your partner if you should have sex with others. Take into account what mood you're both in when you ask. And take into account what you would like to achieve with your talk.
It is not certain that your boyfriend or sex partner will agree to invite a third person into your double bed, and of course you must respect that. It may also be that it is simply a "no for now" and that you can take the conversation up again later.
Are you considering a threesome with a couple?
If you are not in a relationship, there are of course still things you need to keep in mind before you jump into having sex with several others - whether you choose to do it with someone who is already a couple, or two other singles. Think about what you want and be extra aware of your own limits. If you are the "guest", the sex can quickly come to play out in the way that "the others" have imagined. You must constantly check in with yourself and your own desire.
We have collected a number of tips for you (or those of you) who are toying with the idea of a ménage à trois:
Good advice if you fantasize about a triangle
1. Know your limits - maybe even set them beforehand, and stick to them. Agree on who gets to kiss who, who gets to penetrate who, etc.
2. Find your threesome via an app - it can be difficult to find a strange couple to have sex with out in the city, and it is not certain that you want the threesome to be with a friend. Fortunately, someone has invented apps for the purpose. Check e.g. Feel out .
3. Find your threesome in a swinger club - an option is also to find partners for a threesome in a swinger club. It can either be with a couple or with two other singles. It definitely feels less awkward to suggest having sex with three people when you're in a swinger environment: after all, sex is what people are there for.
4. It shouldn't look like porn - remember that it's not a porn film you're making. And while you may have only seen sex between three people in movies, it doesn't necessarily look like that in the real world.
5. Do it with someone who's tried it before - if it's your first threesome, it might be a good idea to choose a couple who's tried it before so they can lead the way.
6. Stay sober - if you're nervous, it can be tempting to drink yourself up, but too much alcohol also increases the risk of you violating each other's boundaries. A single drink before might be ok, but be aware that you have to be able to feel yourself in it the whole way.
7. Make sure there's enough space - yeah, ok, that's pretty impractical. But it's uncool if someone falls out of bed, right? So, when you plan the triangle, already think about where it will take place.
8. Check in with each other afterwards - if you are a couple, it might be a good idea to reconnect with each other after your sex date is over. Lie together, now, talk through the experience - that way you will possibly jealousy in advance.
Also read our guide to porn for women , our blog post on anal sex , and our article on how to use a butt plug .
